The Chipmunks for Jesus stood in the open Kansas cornfield, waiting for their rapture. All the signs had pointed to this as being the very day that the Earth would be destroyed, and they would be snatched up to Heaven or someplace really, really nice.
"The prophesies couldn't possibly be wrong...this time," argued their father and leader, Reverend Marvin Makeworth. His voice was strong, his convictions solid.
"Can I take my Nintendo to Heaven?" little six-year-old Martha Makeworth had asked.
"No darling," her father replied, "but there'll be a brand new XBox waiting for you when we get there. It'll even have the newest version of "Redneck Road Rage."
"Yippee!" Martha had cried. She elbowed her twin brother, Mikey, "I got first dibs."
"Nuh uh," cried Mikey, then "Mommy, it's not fair!"
"Don't worry, Mikey," replied Mary Magdelene Makeworth. "I'm sure that there will be a PlayStation for you, with a brand new never-before-played copy of Mortal Kombat."
"You kids behave now, and keep it quiet...wait...what's that?" The Rev was looking upward, shading his eyes.
"Hey look there!" Mary Magdalene simultaneously motioned across the field at an approaching vehicle leaving a dusty trail behind as it bore down on them.
"Prepare for landing," Guardmaster Footh instructed Bobo, his First Mate. The Kauffion freighter N'nog'g was on its monthly low-profile coffee run to Earth, the only known planet capable of growing the universal beverage. Footh always landed in out-of-the way places like the cornfield below, met his supplier, and stocked up on freshly roasted beans for his Starbucks franchise on Quadrilla Prime. This time was different, though. Today he was to receive the paperwork for his expansion plan, a new coffeehouse on Horizontal Stepsister IV, just around the corner from his home planet. Things were looking up. His LLC, Foothco, was off and running, quarterly profits through the roof. He was going to trade in his two year old Luxo for a new one, buy a couple of new prepubescent concubines who would follow him around everywhere he went, and maybe, just maybe, a new Rolex.
"Sir, there is an anomaly at the landing site."
"Huh?" Footh was yanked back to reality.
"Yes sir, it appears to be four humans standing near the landing zone."
Footh deliberated a moment. "Go ahead, land nearby. Oh, and have Lars at the ramp."
"Aye aye sir." Bobo pushed the big orange button and the ship steadied, then settled slowly.
Lars Gilhoolie, the Foothco Communications Director, marched down the ramp right toward the Chipmunks for Jesus.
"Are you Jesus?" asked Martha.
Lars laughed and approached the Rev. "I'm Lars, and this is the Foothco freighter N'nog'g. And who might you be?"
Before the Rev could answer, though, the pimped-out Hummer pulled up to the ramp in a cloud of dust, and a young lady stepped out. "Hi Lars," she said. "What's up and who's this?"
"Hey Rita." Lars greeted her, then turned to the Chipmunks.
The Rev spoke. "I'm Reverend Makeworth, and this is my flock. We are here for the Rapture, which will be happening about.....NOW." He looked at his watch and held his bible over his head, mumbling under his breath. His family clung to one another, wide eyed. Their grip grew even tighter when Footh himself walked down the ramp.
"Uh..yeah, listen guys, we're here to load some supplies on the freighter, then we're all out of here. No rapture today, I don't think." said Lars. "Oh, this is my boss, Footh, owner of this ship and CEO of Foothco Interplanetary, LLC."
Footh stopped, pulled out a curly sippy straw, inserted it into his mucusoid bag, took a long burbling suck. He fumbled momentarily with his iPhone, checking his FaceBook messages. Refreshed, he addressed the as-of-yet-unraptured family, who stood, waiting patiently.
"Uh...If you'd like to do a bit of travel, I've got room for you on my ship. We'll be home in a couple of hours, and the way I see it, you'll be a few parsecs closer to...to...what's his name?"
"Jesus," replied the Rev.
"Yes, shall we go?"
The Makeworths chatted among themselves for a moment, then the Rev turned to Footh.
"What will we do on your planet?"
"Oh, the normal stuff," Footh smiled a toothy grin. "There's bowling, gasbag lettings, air bladder concerts, and Girl Scouts. Oh, and you can work at my Starbucks."
The Rev thought for a minute.
"OK. Might as well. We sold everything we have here."
"Is there a Nintendo on your ship?" asked little Martha, dwarfed beside the crab-man Footh.
"Why, yes, little earth girl. I was just playing Sims 3-Kleptomaniac, on the way here!" Footh beckoned to the family. "Welcome to the N'nog'g."
The Chipmunks for Jesus followed Footh up the ramp and into the ship. Lars and Rita loaded the bags of coffee beans, fondled one another for a full ten minutes, then said good-bye. Bobo pushed the big green button and the ship rose with its unlikely cargo and disappeared into the clouds.